Fiction Friday: March 24

Cats and Pizza

Pizza is comprised of cat guts. The crust is their skeleton, the tomato sauce their blood, the cheese their vomit, and we all know what the sausages are.

Squeeze the cat nice and hard above the pan, extracting as much flem and piss as possible. Shake well to ensure nothing is lost.

Then skin the cat, keeping the knife close to ensure all the fur comes off; not everyone wants fur pizzas, because some people are unreasonably picky.

Getting the skeleton into the crust is the tricky part. You need a blender, flour, salt, and yeast. Mix it all up till there aren’t any chunks left, then knead the resulting dough for at least five minutes. If, during the kneading process, it meows, you didn’t blend it enough.

After kneading, roll the pizza into a circle. Feel free to toss it into the air — it will always land on its feet.

Place the round pizza on a cooking stone, then spread the fluids on top of it, keeping it a nice, even consistency. Add the toppings you desire, remembering that not everyone likes fur.

(If you aren’t going to include the fur, consider leaving some on the side, like a parsley leaf.)

Cook until it stops yowling and serve with milk and cream. Or, if you’re going avant guard, add some dead mice on the side.

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