Fiction Friday: April 14

Despite a few fatalities, everyone agreed that Mindy’s cookout was a roaring success.

Roaring meant literally, of course, since Bob ended up on the barbecue.

He came in, twenty minutes late as usual, prim steps and perfectly coiffed hair. “Oh, you’ve got hot dogs and hamburger patties! How quaint!” He clasped his hands together and fluttered around, avoiding the smoke even when the wind changed direction.

Mindy pointed her long fork at him. “And what else should I cook?”

Anyone else would have noticed her tone, but not Bob. “Oh, my dear, nothing so gauche. How boring of a cook are you? You have to be bold, daring! Don’t just compensate for this with chicken or pork or corn on the cob. Go for crab and mushrooms and asparagus.”

“Wouldn’t the asparagus fall through?”

Bob waved a hand. “A good cook knows how to prevent that.”

“Do they? Well, I’ve got a better ingredient that asparagus.” Mindy switched the long fork for her butcher’s knife. The blood spurted everywhere when she cleaved into Bob’s head, but it was okay since she was wearing an apron. She took off the clothes, hair, and most of the skin before tossing his carcass on.

“That’s illegal,” George said. Goody two-shoes like him aren’t very smart. First rule: don’t wait till after the murder before objecting. Second rule: call the cops, don’t scold. Third and most important rule: don’t stand around waiting.

As soon as Bob had been nicely flambeed, George went on next. Mindy kept him on longer, because some people asked for their meat well-done.

“This is amazing,” Lauren said as she nibbled on a thigh. “Is there a secret sauce involved? You must tell me!”

Mindy considered for a few moments. “Well, it’s not kosher. Sorry.”

“Oh dear. I’d better go back to the hot dogs.” Those were kosher because, despite Bob’s objections, Mindy was a conscientious cook and host.

Near the end of the evening, Patty choked on one of George’s foot bones. Mindy attempted the Heimlich maneuver, but she was unsuccessful.

Lauren turned up the music, and Mindy tossed Patty on the grill, because wasting perfectly good meat was the real crime.

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